Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I can tell this story coz I got caught and it was ages ago.

So, I'm 17, its a hot summer in december and i was liking the idea of becoming a career criminal. i thought the house behind my house was inhabited by peeps who might have money and me being the thieving lil asshole i was back then, i had that house marked like the backseats of buses.

so i organise for 2 of my friends to come over in the morning when my moms has left for work.

they come. we shoot some bball while talking over how we're going to do this. coz it was my house and my mark, it was all pretty much left up to me and im just silently winging it, but verbally cementing my initial ideas.

i get the idea to chuck the basketball over the back fence. i then walk around the whole block so i can knock on their front door.

i knock.

no answer. no one home. so far, so good.

i wipe sweat off my forehead and procede around the side of their house, open their gate and walk into their sand filled backyard.

i grab the ball. i throw it back over the fence into my own yard.

i then make like im walking back through the side gate but just as i get to the back of their house, i go straight for their sliding door.

i fumble around in my pocket, pick out my flathead screwdriver, and push it into the window seal.



tap, tap, tap.


i remove glass, using my sleeves to hold the glass as i had clearly forgotten the ghetto method of socks on hands.

by this time, my 2 friends had already jumped the back fence and were eagerly awaiting behind me.

because the pane of glass i broke n removed was so low to the ground, i had to put myself into a position that makes me look like im doing push ups.

i get in. its a tiled 3 bedroom house and the date is 28th of december, 1997. 3 days after christmas.

i look in the lounge room. nintendo 64, 3 controllers, 6 games, 2 rumble packs and 2 memory packs.

it had just been released that christmas. we're all grinning ear to ear and holding back high fives.

i look around.

pioneer home theatre amp. classy.

jamo surround speakers. pricey.

sony 3 disc mini hifi. the shit back then.

backyard. 1100 kawasaki ninja.

ontop of fridge. keys and helmet for said bike.

none of us boys were game enough to take that bike. we were sure if we did, we would of killed ourselves on it.

we keep looking.

new olympus camera.

big day out tickets.


i start looking for things to contain all these items in as i cant just run down the street with these in my hands, broad daylight.

i find an eski, a suitcase and big school bag.

we take everything bar the jamo surround speakers as they were them big woodgrain fuckers and were about as tall as we were.

we open the back sliding door now. my 2 friends run out first. one jumps the fence. the other passes him stuff. then he jumps. all thats left is me and my eski full of goods.

i make moves. pass over the eski cooler to my friend and jump the fence too.

now, as i jumped the fence, i notice that my immediate neighbour, lets just call her sally... she sees me, but doesnt say anything. mainly because she uses drugs and her neighbour is an open house weed/speed dealer. so basically, im in the clear.

i get around the side of my house and immediately let my friends in and we put everything on my bed in my bedroom.

i go to get us all a cold drink as its a really fuckin' hot day and just as we're having our first gulps of some sweet ass juice, we hear someone running around my house.

it was my other immediate neighbour. he says that his immediate neighbour, lets just call him dan(he was in his mid 40s w/family and beard), told him that someone just broke into the house behind mine and they jumped into my backyard so he was running around looking for them.

i tell him that i heard someone run along the side of my house near the laundry and he assures me it was just him. i was trying to make an alibi.. ha! oh well... he informs me that police have been called.

after hearing the running n the news about the cops coming, my friends were shitting themselves. i showed them a spare bedroom to hide in.

i quickly strip down to my boxers, watch TV and drink my juice.

new jersey drive is on. ive seen it a million times but i keep watching for alibis sake.

then, as im grabbing another glass of juice, i see a cop looking over my backfence and talking to "dan".

i walk outside, still in boxers.

"wheres ya fuckin' 2 mates?" says dan.

"what the...?" i said.

"you and your friends broke into that place and jumped the back fence" retorts dan.

"you need to get some fuckin' glasses... dont ever accuse me of shit again".

he gets irate, but the cop settles him down, jumps my back fence and starts addressing me

he asks if he can come into my lounge room. i say sure.

he comes in. from this point on, my friends in the spare room can hear every word in the conversation.

he inspects my moms stereo in the lounge room. i assure him its legit, and that i am in no way, shape or form a thief and that ive been chilling all morning, drinking juice, eating scrambled eggs and watching new jersery drive. i started outlining the movies plot. he wasnt interested.

he then asks where my room is. i tell him its down the hallway.

he asks to see it.

now at this time, i know the stolen goods are all up in my room....

...and my friends were hiding under beds n rugs in the spare bedroom, but when they heard that shit, they told me that they were like fuck it, we're done, game over n the rest n just came out n sat on the bed in the spare bedroom waiting for the cop to come in.

but yeah... cop asks to see my room.

"can i see your warrant?" is my reply.

he smirks and grimaces at me and says "now youve just made yourself the number one suspect"

"its my rights."

he proceeds to yell threats n shit up in my face to which i do not budge telling him that if he doesnt have a warrant, then he doesnt have shit.

he tries to scare me by saying he can get warrants as easy as *clicks fingers*.

we go out to the front so he can get his partner to pull the paddywagon up the front of mine, all the while telling me i dont know what kinda shit i have just gotten myself into.

"pffffft". <--my response.

he goes to radio some shit in and his partner comes to play good cop to his bad cop.

i shoot for sympathy. "my house got broken into last month... shit is always going on over here coz of all the junkies...i heard them jump my back fence this morning and run past my laundry."

he tells me he knows about the dealers in my cul de sac. he leaves me alone and goes to talk to other neighbours. the other cop who think he has me sussed keeps a hateful eye on me and talks shit.

meanwhile, the sympathy cop has gone and talked with sally. sally tells him she saw 3 aboriginal guys jump the fence with the stuff, run past my laundry, and jump into a blue daihatsu charade n drive off.

sympathetic cop comes back and asks for a word with 24hour warrant cop. 24hour warrant cop just shakes his head.

then, they both walk up to me, and i still have no idea what sally has told them, if anything... im still thinking im done for....they walk up... and....APOLOGISE PROFUSELY.

and i was just like, damn straight!!

they bounce. i walk back inside and make various happy whooping noises.

i open the spare bedroom door. my friends hearts in their stomachs. they see me and are all like "WTF just happened?"...

i explain what happened. they are just mad full of praise for me not giving in and giving them up.

we take all the stuff out of my room and stash it in the roof.

i go outside... make sure theres absolutely no cops or neighbours around.

coast is clear.

me and my boys bounce.

then, on new years eve, we sell everything for 550 bucks.

not much looking back on things, but back then it was.... especially for some weed heads on new years.

but yeah... 3 years later, i was a possible suspect in a murder case and had all kindsa cops looking for me at my moms. she told em i wasnt there. she told me she wanted me to clear myself. i had no problem with that.

i go in, give DNA, get cleared. then the murder detectives tell me mirrabooka police want to talk to me about an unrelated matter.

im like, whatever.

they pull me up for that break. INFRONT OF MY MOMS. haha, she had no idea so i just vehemetly denied it infront of her to the point where im swearing at the cops for charging me. they tell me they have my fingerprints by the point of entry. i tell them my ball went over the fence, it was probably when i got that. they tell me they got the print off of the tiles where i slid under the glass.

i still deny.

i get to court and plead guilty. it was juvenile offences and being a new adult, i couldnt get any time for what i did. just shitloads of fines and community work.

in court, they said it was 10 thousand dollars worth of goods.

and all it took was 10mins.

god, i used to be sooooo devious. i swear... i would of kicked my head in had i caught myself breaking into my house. but thats another story. ;-)

Its a cold world and shit aint cool.

i was on the news once. i gave an interview about juveniles on the street w/weapons. i had a screwdriver that i used to use to break into stuff.

i didnt want to do the interview but my heroin influenced friend talked me into it.

so, while im explaining with gestures and such what i would do with this screwdriver if someone ever tried to rob me, i look over the newsladys shoulder and see my 2 heroin taking buddies entering into said newsladys car.

they rummage around, and then jump back into their stolen car and speed off with a skid.

i giggle, mid interview. she doesnt know why.

15 minutes later, while me and some friends are walking back to mine, we get pulled up by police and the newslady. she explains that she just wants her bag back and that we could keep the 4 phones and 200 bucks she had in there. keep in mind that its 1996/1997. she even offers 250 bucks reward money and gives us a number to call.

i get home, grab 40 cents, walk to the phone box and start looking for my thief of a friend via a phone call to his home. no answer.

i walk back home and on the way, he drives past in the same stolen car. i yell out to him to stop. he does. i ask about the bag and demand he give it to me so i can get the reward money.

he shatters my poor, broke as a knock knock joke world by saying that he threw it out while going 100 on the freeway.

damn. 1 week later i watch us all give interviews on channel 7 news. sorry susannah carr. you should of offered us money.

i should write more of my criminal anecdotes here. im pretty sure this shit is out of reach of the long arm of the law due to statute of limitations or something.

once... when i was selling... ummm... lets just call it speed.... my old aboriginal neighbour was a customer. he was a father of 3 kids. him n his wife lived in a government housing joint that was identical to my place next door.

anyway, i sold to him on saturday morning. 2 packets of vroooom. early that afternoon, some friends came around coz i was always generous with the green smoking stuff and the brown liquor, and we sat around all afternoon making deals and getting slowly shitfaced.

then come 6pm, we get a mad frantic barrage of knocks at the front door. it was the neighbours wife. she was clutching her arm and acting like she was set on fire. then, everything kind of slowed down and i could make out what she was yelling....

"my husband just shot me.... the kids are still in the house.... call the police."

now, we were a business. this was bad for business. she knew this. but we had to. so, the police were called.

i was living on a main arterial road at the time. police immediately shut the road off and rerouted traffic around. that was 1 less thing to worry about. didnt want customers showing up to be greeted by tactical response groups.

then some detectives informed us that they were evacuating the area and we needed to be gone. they also needed our permission to use our house for monitoring. we had to agree. signed shit, and snipers briskly walk into our abode.

another constable at the door motions us out in a 'get in the chopper' kind of way. he didnt look up at our faces. this same constable used to raid us at another address we had earlier in the year. he was a real cunt. raiding everyday on a 30 day warrant type shit. we got him demoted from detective to constable because we were too smart to be caught. harrassment charges were threatened.

anyways, so while this cunt of a cop isnt looking, im running out of the front door, holding my nutsack coz thats where ive got an ounce n a bit of speed.

neighbour continues to hold his kids "hostage" in a siege like scenario. news vans are everywhere. its the #1 story on the news that night. i call my moms and stay with her and my sister who was visiting from the usa at the time. the next morning, i get a call saying that he gave himself up at 5am that morning (i guess he was coming down or something)....so i get ready and head back to my spot.

i get there, and sure enough, as soon as crime scene investigators are done with whatever they were doing, the police reopen the road and customers begin flowing back into my driveway.

later that week, i talked with the niece of my old neighbour. she said that apparently, the bass of my subwoofer playing the nas - it was written album drove him crazy.... well, that and the drugs. guilt was instantly induced.

but yeah... that was another anecdote. i have forklifts more.

Its a cold word and shit aint cool. Dont snowflake out.

The 1st snowball down the hill....

BIKE THEFT.....from 3 or so years ago.

stealing a bike can very much be the bag of unidentified tricks.

for starters, you dont know if it has pumped up tyres. stealing a bike with flat tyres isnt recommended.

theres also the chain/gears. are they working ok? coz if they aint, the bike is not rideable, making you look like a broken bike stealing douche.

environment around the bike.

suss out everyone, even if its a parked car across the street and you cant see if anyones in it, assume that people are in it and dont steal the bike, or if you think its empty, dont hesitate and just steal the bike

hesitation is a major thing with crime. if you hesitate, you will either....

1. make yourself look suss, and therefore more likely of being caught.

2.chicken out.

3.fuck around when you didnt have to.


well, to continue my story, i went to steal the bike after staying awake past 24hours. i also had just picked up 4 bags of weed. i was also bugging out on ipod music and it was around 10am.

beaufort street, shops near grand promenade. peeps know which ones.

seen a giant mountain bike just sitting there.

walked down the street, took my shoes off, re did the laces (for possible running) and walked back towards beaufort street.

walked up to the bike, grabbed it. hmmm, nice seat.

went to ride off when i realised......

the chain is off the gear sprocket.

so i jump back off it and start running.

then i see where the chain is off. i quickly stop, fuck with the chain, put it back on the gear, and proceed to ride off down the road.

now, doing all of that with the ipod going wasnt the smartest idea coz i swear to god, i felt like cars were chasing me or something just because the obvious levels of fatigue and the ipod being so loud....(QWEL - THE NEW WINE)

but yeah, i stole that giant mountain bike. it sits in my courtyard now with the other womens mongoose mountain bike that my GF stole weeks earlier.

then, later that night, i went up to the gas station on beaufort street. i only wanted 2 drinks and 2 icecreams. got to the checkout and i also stole 2 cherry ripe chocolate bars.

somebody stop me. im outta control.

criminal mastermind in the making.