Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I can tell this story coz I got caught and it was ages ago.

So, I'm 17, its a hot summer in december and i was liking the idea of becoming a career criminal. i thought the house behind my house was inhabited by peeps who might have money and me being the thieving lil asshole i was back then, i had that house marked like the backseats of buses.

so i organise for 2 of my friends to come over in the morning when my moms has left for work.

they come. we shoot some bball while talking over how we're going to do this. coz it was my house and my mark, it was all pretty much left up to me and im just silently winging it, but verbally cementing my initial ideas.

i get the idea to chuck the basketball over the back fence. i then walk around the whole block so i can knock on their front door.

i knock.

no answer. no one home. so far, so good.

i wipe sweat off my forehead and procede around the side of their house, open their gate and walk into their sand filled backyard.

i grab the ball. i throw it back over the fence into my own yard.

i then make like im walking back through the side gate but just as i get to the back of their house, i go straight for their sliding door.

i fumble around in my pocket, pick out my flathead screwdriver, and push it into the window seal.



tap, tap, tap.


i remove glass, using my sleeves to hold the glass as i had clearly forgotten the ghetto method of socks on hands.

by this time, my 2 friends had already jumped the back fence and were eagerly awaiting behind me.

because the pane of glass i broke n removed was so low to the ground, i had to put myself into a position that makes me look like im doing push ups.

i get in. its a tiled 3 bedroom house and the date is 28th of december, 1997. 3 days after christmas.

i look in the lounge room. nintendo 64, 3 controllers, 6 games, 2 rumble packs and 2 memory packs.

it had just been released that christmas. we're all grinning ear to ear and holding back high fives.

i look around.

pioneer home theatre amp. classy.

jamo surround speakers. pricey.

sony 3 disc mini hifi. the shit back then.

backyard. 1100 kawasaki ninja.

ontop of fridge. keys and helmet for said bike.

none of us boys were game enough to take that bike. we were sure if we did, we would of killed ourselves on it.

we keep looking.

new olympus camera.

big day out tickets.


i start looking for things to contain all these items in as i cant just run down the street with these in my hands, broad daylight.

i find an eski, a suitcase and big school bag.

we take everything bar the jamo surround speakers as they were them big woodgrain fuckers and were about as tall as we were.

we open the back sliding door now. my 2 friends run out first. one jumps the fence. the other passes him stuff. then he jumps. all thats left is me and my eski full of goods.

i make moves. pass over the eski cooler to my friend and jump the fence too.

now, as i jumped the fence, i notice that my immediate neighbour, lets just call her sally... she sees me, but doesnt say anything. mainly because she uses drugs and her neighbour is an open house weed/speed dealer. so basically, im in the clear.

i get around the side of my house and immediately let my friends in and we put everything on my bed in my bedroom.

i go to get us all a cold drink as its a really fuckin' hot day and just as we're having our first gulps of some sweet ass juice, we hear someone running around my house.

it was my other immediate neighbour. he says that his immediate neighbour, lets just call him dan(he was in his mid 40s w/family and beard), told him that someone just broke into the house behind mine and they jumped into my backyard so he was running around looking for them.

i tell him that i heard someone run along the side of my house near the laundry and he assures me it was just him. i was trying to make an alibi.. ha! oh well... he informs me that police have been called.

after hearing the running n the news about the cops coming, my friends were shitting themselves. i showed them a spare bedroom to hide in.

i quickly strip down to my boxers, watch TV and drink my juice.

new jersey drive is on. ive seen it a million times but i keep watching for alibis sake.

then, as im grabbing another glass of juice, i see a cop looking over my backfence and talking to "dan".

i walk outside, still in boxers.

"wheres ya fuckin' 2 mates?" says dan.

"what the...?" i said.

"you and your friends broke into that place and jumped the back fence" retorts dan.

"you need to get some fuckin' glasses... dont ever accuse me of shit again".

he gets irate, but the cop settles him down, jumps my back fence and starts addressing me

he asks if he can come into my lounge room. i say sure.

he comes in. from this point on, my friends in the spare room can hear every word in the conversation.

he inspects my moms stereo in the lounge room. i assure him its legit, and that i am in no way, shape or form a thief and that ive been chilling all morning, drinking juice, eating scrambled eggs and watching new jersery drive. i started outlining the movies plot. he wasnt interested.

he then asks where my room is. i tell him its down the hallway.

he asks to see it.

now at this time, i know the stolen goods are all up in my room....

...and my friends were hiding under beds n rugs in the spare bedroom, but when they heard that shit, they told me that they were like fuck it, we're done, game over n the rest n just came out n sat on the bed in the spare bedroom waiting for the cop to come in.

but yeah... cop asks to see my room.

"can i see your warrant?" is my reply.

he smirks and grimaces at me and says "now youve just made yourself the number one suspect"

"its my rights."

he proceeds to yell threats n shit up in my face to which i do not budge telling him that if he doesnt have a warrant, then he doesnt have shit.

he tries to scare me by saying he can get warrants as easy as *clicks fingers*.

we go out to the front so he can get his partner to pull the paddywagon up the front of mine, all the while telling me i dont know what kinda shit i have just gotten myself into.

"pffffft". <--my response.

he goes to radio some shit in and his partner comes to play good cop to his bad cop.

i shoot for sympathy. "my house got broken into last month... shit is always going on over here coz of all the junkies...i heard them jump my back fence this morning and run past my laundry."

he tells me he knows about the dealers in my cul de sac. he leaves me alone and goes to talk to other neighbours. the other cop who think he has me sussed keeps a hateful eye on me and talks shit.

meanwhile, the sympathy cop has gone and talked with sally. sally tells him she saw 3 aboriginal guys jump the fence with the stuff, run past my laundry, and jump into a blue daihatsu charade n drive off.

sympathetic cop comes back and asks for a word with 24hour warrant cop. 24hour warrant cop just shakes his head.

then, they both walk up to me, and i still have no idea what sally has told them, if anything... im still thinking im done for....they walk up... and....APOLOGISE PROFUSELY.

and i was just like, damn straight!!

they bounce. i walk back inside and make various happy whooping noises.

i open the spare bedroom door. my friends hearts in their stomachs. they see me and are all like "WTF just happened?"...

i explain what happened. they are just mad full of praise for me not giving in and giving them up.

we take all the stuff out of my room and stash it in the roof.

i go outside... make sure theres absolutely no cops or neighbours around.

coast is clear.

me and my boys bounce.

then, on new years eve, we sell everything for 550 bucks.

not much looking back on things, but back then it was.... especially for some weed heads on new years.

but yeah... 3 years later, i was a possible suspect in a murder case and had all kindsa cops looking for me at my moms. she told em i wasnt there. she told me she wanted me to clear myself. i had no problem with that.

i go in, give DNA, get cleared. then the murder detectives tell me mirrabooka police want to talk to me about an unrelated matter.

im like, whatever.

they pull me up for that break. INFRONT OF MY MOMS. haha, she had no idea so i just vehemetly denied it infront of her to the point where im swearing at the cops for charging me. they tell me they have my fingerprints by the point of entry. i tell them my ball went over the fence, it was probably when i got that. they tell me they got the print off of the tiles where i slid under the glass.

i still deny.

i get to court and plead guilty. it was juvenile offences and being a new adult, i couldnt get any time for what i did. just shitloads of fines and community work.

in court, they said it was 10 thousand dollars worth of goods.

and all it took was 10mins.

god, i used to be sooooo devious. i swear... i would of kicked my head in had i caught myself breaking into my house. but thats another story. ;-)